Photo of Dave Jenkins.

Dave Jenkins shares his passion for marriage and coaching

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Growing up in Shreveport, La., when Dave Jenkins was in high school, he originally wanted to be a sports journalist. But, he stubbornly refused to take a typing class because he didn’t want to be a secretary.

He soon found out why journalists are good with a keyboard. But rather than pick up his speed, he switched majors to computers. That was during the era of big box, room-size computers. Dave learned COBOL to program the machines. It was still a new frontier, and he was on the cutting edge.

Eventually, he moved from coding computers into designing and managing systems before gravitating toward cybersecurity software sales.

As he passed the 50-year milestone, Dave was feeling unfulfilled in information technology. Yet, he knew God had bigger things in store for him. Dave really wanted to coach other business professionals, which required him to hone his skills to help people uncover things hidden deep within them.

“I had been in that position myself,” Dave explained. “I needed help to get beyond the limitations of my own thinking. All great superstars have coaches, whether in sports or the entertainment industry. They need someone to help elevate them to the next level.

“Many people don’t feel they are worthy to be at the next level because they suffer from impostor syndrome,” he explained. “They tell themselves they could never be that good at anything.”

Marriage and relationship coaching

Dave specializes in helping people improve their marriages and relationships. He and his wife, Phyllis, have been together for more than 46 years. There is a reason their relationship has been so successful.

“I was invested in personal development and uncovering my purpose in this world,” said Dave. “Author Miles Monroe says the richest place in the world is not the gold mines of South Africa, but in the graveyards where so many people died without fulfilling their purpose.

“It’s sad to think about all the million dollar ideas that people percolated all their lives, but abandoned to the grave,” he added. “Think about all the books, movies, plays, business enterprises, inventions, etc., that never saw their full potential.”

The reality is that without strong marriages and relationships with others, it is hard for people to fully realize their purpose.

“I have a wonderful opportunity in October to speak with a group of church leaders on the topic of purpose,” he explained. “We have got to get better at helping people of all ages to discover and engage with the reason God has them on this earth.

“Working on your divine purpose is always outward centered. It draws you out every day,” he added. “Ephesians 2:10 tells us, ‘We are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.’

“Unfortunately, we get distracted by internal things and our own lack of understanding,” said Dave. “But our purpose is not just for us to walk in and enjoy in order to bring fulfillment only to our lives, but to those around us.”

God’s grace kept them together

“We are both African-American, but our cultures were completely different from each other,” said Dave.

Dave and Phyllis grew up in the same city in Louisiana, but in totally different environments and family cultures.

“Phyllis grew up where everyone stayed married in her family. It truly was until death do you part. In fact, her parents were married for 60 years before her father died,” he explained.

“I grew up in a part of Shreveport that can be described as ghettoish,” he added. “The neighborhood was so rough, even police officers locked their doors when driving through. There was a lot of drugs, crime and underfunded schools.

“From a family perspective, my dad’s parents were divorced and so was my dad when I was young,” said Dave. “I had never seen a committed marriage and didn’t have any idea what that looked like. You got married, tried it for a while and if you didn’t like it, you got a divorce and tried again.”

When Dave and Phyllis got married, he was really committed to learning more about following a Christian lifestyle. He attended churches were the ministers weren’t just preachers, but rather teachers who modeled certain behaviors.

“That began to change my mindset because it’s often hard for us to achieve things we cannot see. I learned there really was a better way for marriage,” he explained.

Dave noted the Christian church often puts a stigma on people who have gone through divorce, which he thinks is unfair.

“We don’t know all the conditions at the home and what was going on behind the doors,” he added. “We should be more accepting of what happened, and then helping both people transition into the next chapter of their lives, but with a better understanding of what it takes to make a marriage work.”

Whether divorced people remain single for the rest of their lives or opt to get remarried, Dave feels the church should help them make the best of whatever they decide.

“There are people who are married and miserable. They are more like roommates than anything else,” he explained. “Truth be told, they’re just waiting to see who’s going to kick the bucket first.”

However, the church tends to accept those couples because they never “got divorced.”

“I have known people who were on the verge of divorce who, by the grace of God, were fully restored. They went back to enjoying a loving and fulfilling relationship,” said Dave.

“I know others who got divorced, dealt with years of bitterness, resentment and unrealistic expectations who later went on to thrive in another marriage relationship,” he added. “Couples need to be really honest about all the things that can pile up over the years which creates a mountain between them.

“We all get married thinking our relationship will be different. We are never going to argue and, if we do, it won’t last more than five minutes,” said Dave. “We think it’s always going to be sunshine and we’ll fall asleep in each other’s arms every night.

“Then, as soon as one person falls asleep and starts snoring, it’s a big problem. The other person wonders, ‘How do I turn this off?,’” he added.

Defining a perfect marriage

In a perfect marriage, each member is committed to doing things God’s way.

“That means forgiving each other and not holding on to any bitterness,” said Dave. “You realize there are things you do that just runs your spouse up the wall. But, if you try to change him or her, you are asking the individual to change.

“When we were first married, Phyllis told a friend she had to learn the term ‘generic’ because I was buying generic beans, generic detergent and other products,” he explained. That’s because I grew up poor and our family always had to save money.

“It was part of my DNA. So, if she expected me to change away from looking for low-cost options, we were going to have major problems,” he added.

It wasn’t that Dave was cheap. Rather, he was very concerned about his family’s long-term financial well-being.

“When Phyllis could see the savings account growing and that we were able to take better vacations, she had a greater appreciation for why I was committed to using generic products,” he explained. “At the end of the day, if no benefits came to the family, then, yes, Dave was just being cheap and she could feel deprived.

“I remember Phyllis waking up one Saturday morning and getting ready to go shopping,” said Dave. “That was something people never did in my family. We would never get dressed to go somewhere to spend money for stuff we may not really need.

“So, I had to adjust my expectations because that was part of her life experience. Shopping was an outlet for her, but guys do it, too. We need bigger toys,” he added.

Divine purpose

Dave arrived at a point in his life when he realized he had been avoiding God’s designed purpose for him.

“I got this clarion call from God, and other people around me confirmed things that I had been quietly talking to God about,” said Dave. “They called out a particular attribute or something they saw in me that forced me to realize that it was a calling God had placed on my life.

“At that point, I realized I needed courage to step into it,” he added. “The good news is I didn’t have to make big, giant steps, rather take little steps – a couple forward, one back, then three forward and, maybe, none back.

“The more I pursued the direction I felt God calling me to follow, the more comfortable I became doing so,” he explained. “It was kind of like breaking in a new pair of shoes.”

Dave’s wife discovered her divine purpose the hard way after a pulmonary embolism in each lung almost took her life. In fact, the woman next to her at the hospital died of a similar condition.

“The doctor told Phyllis she was lucky. But, Phyllis didn’t see it as luck. Rather she interpreted it as a wake-up call to pursue the direction she already felt God calling her toward,” said Dave.

“For most people, a sense of calling will begin as a dream or vision about the future you imagine,” he explained. “The wake-up call draws your attention to what God wants you to do. But you’d better get serious when it happens a second time, and get really serious if it happens a third.”

‘Hello Purpose!’

On April 20, 2024, Dave released his first book titled, “Hello Purpose!: 21-Day Journal to Uncovering Your Purpose.”

“I specifically chose the word uncovering and not discovering because there is a difference,” he explained. “A discovery is something that just happens, like Columbus discovering America where he did. You know something is out there, but you don’t know what it is.

“Uncovering, on the other hand, means you pretty much know what’s happening because God already placed it in you,” said Dave. “The process of uncovering requires you to remove obstacles and challenges hindering you.”

One topic Dave specifically addresses in his book is the impact past mistakes have on future decisions.

“Sometimes we don’t want to move into our purpose because the enemy reminds our conscience of all our past mistakes. He instills fear to prevent us from moving forward,” Dave explained. “But past mistakes are not fatal. They help facilitate learning.”

Dave wrote the book to guide people through a process to uncover their purpose one day at a time.

“The first seven days really focus on changing the thought process to transform your mind,” he explained. “I start the book with a chapter on the power of surrender. Too often, we think our purpose needs to be some magnificent, marvelous, grandiose thing.

“But, we need to remember there are characters in the Bible who did not have major roles to play, yet their lives had major impact,” he added. “You need to surrender what you think your purpose is and uncover what God designed it to be otherwise you’ll look right over it.”

At the end of the 21-day process, readers will have laid the foundation for their lives by surrendering to God’s purpose.

“By then, you have the power to come into God’s presence by executing gratitude because you understand how purpose and gratitude work in harmony,” said Dave. “That’s a big step, no matter what you do.

“After we break down and rearrange the thought process, eventually you can begin to pull things you learned in previous chapters to begin looking for overlap,” he explained. “For example, what events, skills and experiences have I had that overlap? That’s generally where your purpose is.”

Dave also encourages people to seek a friend or trusted advisor who can give them an unbiased view of the conditions they are trying to evaluate.

“Getting help is important because your filters may mislead you,” he added. “Ideally, you want someone who does not always say yes to everything you come up with, nor is that person going to shoot down all your ideas.

“You need someone who provides a good balance to your best interests,” said Dave. “When you are around those people, you’ll be able to see your future impacted by three things: your family of origin, your thought process and the people around you.”

People who do not have access to an advisor like that can always hire Dave or another coach to be honest with them.

“A good coach will always draw out what’s already in you by asking a lot of questions and making astute observations,” he explained. “Some important information may be hidden by layers of regret, self-doubt, uncertainty and even fear.”

How to walk out your purpose

After completing the 21-day process, now it’s time to take action to put that purpose into motion.

“The first step is to establish a network of relationships that is finely-tuned to help you get to the next level,” said Dave. “As you begin to move, a lot of hindrances and obstacles that held you back in the past begin to fall away. You begin to think more fully and more spiritually.

“You may have to make adjustments, like putting bigger wheels on the vehicle because the terrain is bigger than you though it would be,” he added.

Technology is a perfect example. In the past, you needed great technical skills or a lot of money to design technology to make something work.

“Today, technology is more about what you want to accomplish, and knowing there is often something already developed that can be acquired off-the-shelf,” said Dave. “You just need to learn what buttons to push or how to tweak the settings so that it takes care of all the other stuff you need it to do.

“The biggest problem we often have is that we reach for a solution without fully understanding the problem we are trying to solve,” he added. “We try to force the solution we selected to solve a problem it wasn’t designed to do.

“It’s like deciding in advance you’re going to use a screwdriver to do the job of a wrench,” he explained. “Yes, you got a tool, but it’s not the right tool and you’re going to be frustrated in the process.”

Developing his coaching skills

Sometimes, living out your God-given purpose may require you to learn new skills. For Dave and his wife, that meant making a decision to become certified coaches. For some people, it might mean going back to college, or just taking an online class.

“Coaching is different from mentoring or having a cup of coffee with someone,” said Dave. “Coaching requires a skill set to help you understand what someone is trying to say, and asking questions to drill down to the heart of the matter.

“I had to learn not to jump in and try to solve the problem for someone, but rather guide them to arriving at the solution on their own,” he added.

Dave enjoys watching documentaries about legendary sports coaches, like Bill Belichick, with the New England Patriots, and Nick Saban, who retired from the University of Alabama.

“They are excellent coaches because they observe people, notice changes and identify trends, then pull it all together to make the team stronger,” said Dave. “All football coaches have an understanding of blocking and tackling. But, really good coaches know their players strengths and weaknesses. They understand the people they’re working with and develop a system to get the best out of their players.

“The best coaches put their players in a position to succeed,” he explained. “I do that by observing, listening and asking questions to help people find the best opportunities for them, or to acquire the resources they need to be successful.”

Once the person who is being coached is in the right position, with the right resources, then it’s up to that person to execute a plan.

“Coaches are not a ‘sage on the stage,’ who always knows the right way to do all things,” said Dave. “They are learners themselves who listen to their players for feedback and then develop customized plans to create winning situations.”

Living intentionally

As a coach, Dave helps people live more intentionally by not allowing other people or circumstances to set an agenda for their lives.

“We tend to live in default mode. We get up, go to work, come home, eat dinner, and then watch TV or scroll the internet before going to sleep, only to rinse and repeat the next day,” he explained.

“Living intentionally means putting things in place that glorify God so he can see his return on his investment in our lives,” said Dave. “Whatever we do has to align with his purpose in creating us with unique skills and talents.”

The concept of retirement is not Biblical at all. But, Jesus alludes to it in the Parable of the Rich Fool outlined in Luke 12:13-21. A well-to-do man tore down his barns to build bigger ones to store his surplus for many years. That way he could take life easy by eating, drinking and being merry. But, Jesus referred to the man as a fool who stored things up for himself, but was not rich toward God.

“Hobbies are good for a recreational release to get out of a stress zone. I have hobbies myself,” said Dave.

“But, in the American culture, we seem to have the idea that a person’s usefulness is capped at a certain age,” he explained. “So unless you’re super-spectacular at what you do, you’re not deemed useful anymore. You may be deemed as lacking essential skills to keep up with coworkers. So you are pushed out of a job.

“When you live intentionally, you adopt the mindset that you may have to slow down because of physical factors, but you still have value in the lessons you can share with others,” said Dave. “You can help people learn from your mistakes and failures. You can show people what you did to recover from setbacks when things didn’t go quite right so they can avoid falling into the same pit.”

Ideal retirement

Dave sees getting older as an ideal opportunity to slow down and, if you’re still in relatively good health, to take some time to explore, travel and do things that restore your energy.

“But, your life should not be all about your hobby or recreation. It should be about the legacy you are leaving behind,” he explained. “Purpose gives you the foundation to build a legacy that honors God.

“Maybe it’s a financial legacy to help others, or maybe you’ll spend more time with your grandchildren or someone else’s children,” he added. “Whatever you do, it must be intentional. What part of someone else’s life are you observing that God wants you to address?

“For example, if you’re into woodworking, then retirement is a wonderful opportunity to teach a young person those type of skills,” he explained. “Golf teaches you how to center and focus. It can provide valuable life lessons. You can show others how to visualize their shot and how that applies to life.”

One key aspect of turning 50 is that people should never stop meditating, praying and visualizing ways they can continue to grow, he noted.

“If I had spent a little bit more time doing those things and visualizing the path I needed to go down and the things I needed to execute, or the book I needed to write and the business I needed to build, then I would have done much better,” he admitted.

Power of Purpose community

Dave spent a lot of time this year developing a community of people who want to talk about and pursue purpose for their lives, and he wants to share that information with others.

“Purpose is sometimes an ever-changing thing. It may start out one way, but evolve into something different later on,” he explained. “I am frequently putting on gatherings where people can come together and start talking about purpose and learn how to apply purpose principles to their lives.

“We share ideas and encourage one another to passionately pursue what God puts on their heart,” he added. “We are creating a community of like-minded people who can contribute pieces of a big picture.

“Every stage and every step of our lives have been leading us to a certain point for a specific reason,” said Dave. “We acquire tools throughout our lives that were needed at a particular stage. But, now, that tool may be the wrong one for the job at hand. So, we talk about adjustments we need to make as our purpose evolves.”

Dave said he is happy to talk to anyone who may need help with their marriage and relationships, or assistance to set a path to carry out their new purpose.

For more information:

Dave’s book, “Hello, Purpose!: 21 Day Journal to Uncovering Your Purpose,” is available on Amazon and in other bookstores.

If you order Dave’s book from one of the links above, Forward From 50 may receive a small commission at no extra cost to you.